The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My inexpensive home security system…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”