The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.