The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
A male goth is called a broth.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
