The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other