Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?