The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.