The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
what it’s like dating me:
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The game has officially changed 😎
*pronounces fake like saké*