The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.