The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
