The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old