The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys