The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I think this cat is broken
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand