My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The road to hell is paved.
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Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys
Me: We are a team.
Me: We are in this together.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
SM: *starts sweating*
Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.