My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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