@PimpleEye

The road to hell is paved.

That’s nice.

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@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@pyarinari

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@itcorru

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

@GoodSheWrites

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@_ElvishPresley_

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.