The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
😂😂😂
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Print is alive and well!!!
he looks great for his age
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?