Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.