The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*exercises sarcastically*
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Dead sexy!!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.