Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes