The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
#math
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.