The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.