The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me when I hear gossip
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?