Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

don’t we all

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.