The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]