The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Glasses
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.