The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
A small tragedy.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse