the rocks need my help
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I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.