The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*