Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

#SuperBowl

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe