Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads