Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!