The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this