The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
You Might Also Like
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY