Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive