@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

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@Hurly_Burly

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

@Tmoney68

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@claire_mudie

If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.

@kyle_thatisall

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.