The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

You Might Also Like


878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”


*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*


I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.


I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.


Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.


IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.


Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.