@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

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@TheHyyyype

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@Xalqee

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

@CopernicusG

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician