The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
A dad and his duck
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one