Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.