The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
So we got a goldfish…
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
How animals would run if they were human
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please