Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

I put the h in mysterious.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?