The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
How your email finds me
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too