Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

who will stop them

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

You’re not my real can

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.