The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I love it all
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The symmetry is uncanny.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?