Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.