The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze