The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
twitter is a journey
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.