Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

monday

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!