Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.