The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
trivia
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember