The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting