The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family