Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.