Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.
Don’t make it weird.
The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
mom: wanna see me do a flip?
wow: too late
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.