The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.


The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger


Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.


Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?


Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air


Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.