@lasergirl70

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

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@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@JustMeTurtle

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

@theaisokay

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@SuperTeeWhy

Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@abbycohenwl

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

@A_single_bear

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue