The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Bro what is this
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”