The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Social Media and Real life
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing