The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
You Might Also Like
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral