The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do