The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Icarus loved hot wings.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
