The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
New skill unlocked
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”