The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I love wikipedia
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.