I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Hank is one in a melon.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing