Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house