The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
You Might Also Like
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
two people or more is called a problem
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
This forever.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.