The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey