The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet