“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house