“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
