“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”