Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..