The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.