The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it