Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Just a bush.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.