Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Well, my evening plans are ruined

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am